Desert gear Jill steps out of the zombie dog-infested courtyard and into the annals of fashion history with this abomination in style. The costume would earn much higher marks if it were a mere olive tank top, but the cap and neon goggles just make things an embarrasing mess. The only reason this one didn’t score a zero in style is because it reminds me of Alison Doody’s costume during the final scenes of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, a film which only contained one guy who looked like a zombie, and then only for a brief moment.

The kicker is that this costume, designed primarily for survival, doesn’t do much to help the cause. The tank top is obviously inadequate for all of Jill’s life-preserving needs, and the goggles just make everything look orange. The ammo packs prevent it from being entirely worthless, but unless Jill’s survival depends on getting her shoulders nice and tanned, this one isn’t gonna cut it.

And if the leather-fringed pockets weren’t cute enough, Becky’s also got a nice red bandanna around her neck and a very short pair of frayed denim shorts. Fans of Raccoon City’s cutest field medic who only own Resident Evil Rebirth will have to make due with this costume for all their gawking needs, as the vastly superior Vision in Leather Becky is only available in Zero. But if you’re totally nuts about this costume, rest assured that it too is available in Zero, because Capcom just couldn’t be bothered to work on the Princess Yuki costume I recommended.

Like most of the crap in this feature, this costume has little going for it in terms of functionality. Its snug fit and short length make it perfect for evading danger on short notice, but there’s still that nagging problem of exposed skin. Ooh, but what if Yoshimura had made it all black!! Just as worthless in practice, but an all-black cowgirl outfit would confuse enemies long enough for Rebecca to retreat to the save room to mix herbs and serums for the members of the team that came prepared.

In addition to knowing the ins and outs of the horror adventure, Team Silent Hill also knows how to a draw a good laugh. What better way to inspire hilarity than by giving the heroine a magical charm that enables her to morph into the pink and white warrior you see on the side? But no, the real stroke of genius was giving the costume its own cut scene every time players put it on. Heather holds the charm above her head and yells out TRANSFORM!! before being encircled in light and changed into the Magical Girl.

The Survival Horror Fashion Showdown has mostly been about giving fashion ratings to costumes, then devising a meaningless “function” score to assess any effects these costumes would have if they actually affected gameplay. The Princess Heart outfit is the only exception, as it actually enables Heather to shoot lasers and little translucent pink diamonds from her eyes (the “Sexy Beam”) if you’ve met the requirements. If you’re a screeching, rusted demon with knives for limbs that travels around via floating cage, you’d better steer clear. This girl isn’t fucking around.